Image by paparutzi via Flickr
I was talking to a friend the other day who’s thinking of having kids.
She said she didn’t think she wanted kids, but she’s almost 40, and she loves babysitting her nieces, and, well, she’s thinking maybe she wants kids after all.
I told her what it’s like, being a parent, and, I feel bad about this, but I think I might have talked her out of having kids. I didn’t mean to. I just asked her some questions, like these. Select all answers that apply, then add up the points.
Do you like sleep?
- Absolutely, at least 8 straight hours a night. (-5 points)
- No, I actually kind of like watching reruns of “Family Ties” at 3 a.m. on a weeknight. (+5 points)
On weekends, you like to (select all that apply):
- Sleep in. (-20 points)
- Grab a cup of coffee and read the paper. (-10 points)
- Work in the yard/garden. (-5 points)
- Make dinner based on whatever looked good at the Farmer’s Market. (-30 points)
- Run errands. (0 points.)
- Do a week’s worth of dishes. (+10 points)
- Get a kid in his soccer uniform for team pictures at 8:30, grab a muffin, be back at the soccer fields for a game at 10, drive 45 minutes to the older kid’s softball game at 1, swing by Target after the game for a birthday present for a classmate’s birthday, run home so the older kid can change, take her to the classmate’s birthday party, do your weekly grocery shopping, pick up the older kid, grill hot dogs for supper, work in the yard, fall asleep by 9:30. (+15 points)
Your dream vacation is:
- A two-week backpacking adventure in someplace like Vietnam. (-50 points)
- A week in a big city, shopping and soaking up culture. (-15 points)
- A week at Disney World. (0 points)
- Visiting your parents or in-laws. (+5 points)
- Visiting any relative willing to provide free babysitting. (+10 points)
When you eat out, you like:
- Something good, like Ethiopian food. (-50 points)
- Sushi. (-20 points)
- Anyplace with big-screen TVs and ESPN. (-5 points)
- McDonald’s. (0 points)
- Someplace that lets you draw on the menus. (+5 points)
True or false: The parents are in charge, so they get to decide where the family eats.
- True. (-2o points)
- True, technically, but if they’re smart, they’ll pick something the kids would like. (+5 points)
How many times a day could you listen to this song?
- Make it stop. (-20 points)
- It’s OK for kids to use headphones, right? (-10 points)
- Meh. (0 points)
- You know, that’s not a bad song. (+5 points)
- I actually kind of like it. (+10 points)
- “Go, captain, go … go, captain, go … go, Captain Feathersword, ahoy!” (+20 points)
Answer key
- 20 points or more: You’re as ready as you’ll ever be.
- 0 to 19 points: Get a cat first, see how that works out.
- 0 points or less: You should not have kids.
If you have to ask yourself this question, the answer is no!
I was just joking around, saying things like, “You know those 2-week vacations you take sometimes? Well, that ain’t happenin’.” If you’re ready for kids, you won’t mind getting locked into a schedule and trading your favorite restaurants for places with a kids’ menu.
Ha ha ha that was a splendid quiz! Such skills come with experience don’t they? I hope some day I can get a positive score on that one.
Stranger things have happened!
Dear Fresh Pressed, Please make this post a star. Immediately. Thanks.
Thanks. That’s awfully nice of you to say.
So, pretty much no one should have kids. You just solved the population problem! lol
No one’s ever ready for kids. People read books, but they’re never ready.
Yeah — weighing the sleep option is a must-do. I’m looking forward to sleeping again in approximately 12 years.
The other day, I caught myself thinking doing the math, trying to figure out when I’ll be able to travel again. We’re looking at sometime around 2027, assuming the kids don’t do graduate school.
I got +5 points, and I already have a cat (which just passed the terrible 2s), so I must be ready.
Godspeed, thoughtsie.
Oh, you’re so right! Still, most of us continue to muddle through somehow. And really, aren’t the rewards worth it — the sticky hugs and kisses, the hand-crafted cards and gifts, the light bulb moment when something you’ve tried to teach them suddenly makes sense? Let’s face it, somebody was patient with us once, so it’s only right we have to be the patient ones with our kids. And trust me, a cat or dog just isn’t the same!
Thing 2 (the 5-year-old) will come up sometimes and give me a hug and a kiss for no reason, and all’s right with the world.
Thank you for validating my life choice, Todd! I quit keeping score after I reached -100 points.
What finally did you in? I’ll bet it was the Farmers’ Market. That’ll do it every time.
Y’know, considering how important parenting is, and how drastic and permanent the shift from normal person to parent is. . . one would think that at LEAST a questionnaire was in order – if not mandatory child development classes, parenting classes, education about THE TEEN YEARS – I’m all for it.
I like that, “the shift from normal person to parent.” If our kids only knew. “I was cool once.”
I sound in your friend’s boat but I’m used to 3-5 hours of sleep a night and if I simply stop caregiving every other adult member of my family, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
I’d have to have kids to take their place.
When they grew up, I’d have to raise their kids.
I’m that person. It’s not smart…
Can you play the blues on that uke?
Can I play the blues on the uke…
The uke is everywhere these days. Gotta love that.
Oh dear…I got -135 points…is it too late to send them back?
Fun post, Todd (and I think you’re a great dad too!).
Wendy
Only if you saved the receipt from the hospital. Otherwise, you’re looking at trying to sell them used on eBay or Craigslist.
Don’t forget part two of the questionnaire for people who pass part one. Part two relates to ability to deal with bodily secretions.
I mean, the colors, the textures … who knew?
Damn. Reading this too late. ;
Great quiz, but I agree with Jim that if you have to ask, you already know you shouldn’t. I think the problem for some people today is that they wait until they’re set in their ways in their late 30′s and 40′s, and then find it hard to change the things they like to accomodate kids. When you’re younger you just dive in and do it, without weighing whether it will infringe upon your Yoga schedule or if you’ll have to give up your sports car.
Despite the thousands of dollars spent on them, the sleep lost and the three totaled cars, I’m glad I had kids. (just wait Todd, yours aren’t driving yet).
I’m thinking this could easily be a licencing test. Being a dad is the best job in the world, but i reallly missed sleep
I passed.
♥
Whew! Good thing, because I’m pretty sure your’s is out of warranty.
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Found you through Huffygirl’s blog, and I’m glad I did. I’m on the other side of parenting; I’ve raised children three and have two granddaughters, 13 and 9. I love visiting my daughter and watching her try to cope with all the soccer games and gymnastic meets plus all the other things she needs to do. There is never a moment for herself. I think she thought it was somehow much easier for me, even though I had one more kid! The best reason to have kids is so you’ll have someone to take care of you in your old age. Hopefully. Oh, and grandchildren!
I love love love this!!!!
PS..I scored a -110, and I do not have any children.
Thank you so much for this laugh.
I can’t stand this idea that parents “are not in charge” and must submit to a child’s “pallet”. What’s a typical kid’s meal? Chicken tenders and fries, or some other depleted finger food? Give him or her some of your baked salmon or chicken and some vegetables. Obviously a child is going to be drawn towards fatty sugary foods; it’s your job as a parent to enforce healthy choices rather than allow the child to decide…that’s absurd.
Parent’s need to sack up….if your child is the decision maker and in charge of you…they’re going to have a serious reality check in the real world….