CDC: Start preparing for the zombie apocalypse

In a brilliant bit of viral marketing, the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta have issued instructions for what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Basically, the CDC says we’re supposed to prepare for the zombie apocalypse the same we’d prepare for any natural disaster or pandemic, by putting together an emergency kit:

  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery-powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

It’s probably no coincidence that the CDC is talking about zombies right before the June 1 start of hurricane season, but if the organization had issued a news release saying, “Get ready for hurricane season,” the media (and bloggers) would have ignored it.

Brilliant, and kudos to the bureaucrat who agreed to issue a statement on a make-believe threat.

The CDC even explains that it would treat a zombie apocalypse the same as it would treat any disease outbreak:

If zombies did start roaming the streets … CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine)….

Disappointingly, there are no instructions for “killing” the walking dead, although, if you’ve seen “Zombieland,” you know about the double-tap (shoot ’em, then shoot ’em again, in the head), and if you watched “The Walking Dead,” you know a bow-and-arrow can come in handy because it’s lethal and silent, meaning it won’t attract other zombies to your location.

But also, if you’ve seen “The Walking Dead,” you know even the CDC isn’t safe from the zombie apocalypse, and that, once the zombie apocalypse arrives, we’re all doomed. (On the show, when the last surviving CDC research fails to find a cure, the CDC blows up real good.)

19 thoughts on “CDC: Start preparing for the zombie apocalypse

  1. I just heard the tail end of this yesterday and missed the opportunity to blog about it. Glad you caught it Todd. Now that you are the self-proclaimed zombie apocalypse expert, what should we do in the case of zombies trying to take over our blogs? ;)

  2. “The CDC even explains that it would treat a zombie apocalypse the same as it would treat any disease outbreak . . . isolation and quarantine . . .”

    Yeah, we’re pretty much screwed if the CDC is in charge when zombies start roaming the streets.

    I’d like to read the NSAs Zombie Apocalypse Protocol. I bet that one involves a lot less bottled water and extra underwear and more “shoot first ask questions later.”

    1. Well, if the zombie reality is anything like a zombie movie, it’ll be pretty easy finding gassed-up trucks and SUVs loaded with guns and ammo, so, really, I’m not all that worried.

  3. I was reading SkyMall on my flight earlier today and you can buy your very own zombie crawling out of the ground.

    I found it odd that the description didn’t mention it as a Halloween decoration and it was mixed in with other normal, everyday home decorations.

    1. I saw that, too! I wonder who orders from SkyMall. I mean, do you suppose someone going to visit grandma will be looking at SkyMall and think, “Man, I really ought to get a sword.”

  4. These must be family members of those folks who told us to hide under our desk in case of a nucleur attack.

  5. I am doomed. I can never find my keys or my spare set of keys….much less be organized enough to survive in the wild with Zombies. Life without, “pop tarts,” Starbucks and Coke is really not much of a life anyway. Sigh.

  6. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I, for one, am concerned that this is CYA on the government’s part. Sure, it looks like a not-your-grandparent’s government reaching out in a by-the-hip, for-the-hip mode, but maybe they’re subtly telling us something so that post-zombie apocalypse they can say they tried to warn us.

    I don’t mean to worry you unnecessarily, but I recently spent time with someone with access to classified governemnt information, who pulled up directions to a movie theater on his iPhone using an app called “Zombie Run.”

    Apparently zombies like a good romantic comedy and a bucket of real popcorn. Now why didn’t the CDC tell us that?

  7. I already m prepared i have a group together n we have are plan on what were doing n what weapons were getting. We also already have food drinks clothes, and are supplies for hygiene.

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