It’s the middle of December and almost 70 degrees here in Tennessee. Weather.com says it’s cold up North, along the Canadian border, but most of the country is pretty mild. Parts of the country could even be described as balmy.
I can’t remember the last white Christmas, and thanks to climate change, it could be a while before we have another one.
This means a lot of the songs on the Christmas station are meaningless to most Americans. We have no first-hand knowledge of sleigh rides or winter wonderlands. So, as a public service, I’ve compiled a list of some of the Christmas songs we can retire now.
- “Sleigh Ride” and “Winter Wonderland.” Also, “Jingle Bells.” You can’t travel in a one-horse open sleigh without snow, and there’s no snow. If you wanted to, though, you could sing “Jingle Bells” and substitute “a four-door Chevrolet” for “a one-horse open sleigh,” or you could go with the alternative lyrics about Batman:
- “Frosty the Snowman.” It’s probably time to retire “Frosty,” anyway, because sentient snowmen are inherently creepy.
- “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” First, it isn’t cold outside. Second, let’s be honest: There’s a thin line between flirty and icky, and, if you listen to the lyrics, this one’s icky. (“Say, what’s in this drink?” Probably a roofie.)
- “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” Oh, the weather outside is nice, actually.
- “It’s a Marshmallow World.” No, it’s not.
- “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” I know it was written for a good cause (Ethiopian famine relief), but it’s a terrible song. “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime,” but that’s true of most of the planet, because it’s summer in the southern hemisphere, remember. Besides, Bono’s line, “Well, tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you” is just callous and smug. What he’s saying, basically, is that we should go, “Dear God, if you have to starve someone, thanks for starving all those Ethiopian children instead of me.”
Ironically, one song we can keep is “White Christmas,” because it’s about dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, and we can keep “Snow Miser/Heat Miser,” from the 1974 Christmas special, “The Year Without a Santa Claus,” because it’s all about the battle over whether to have a white or a balmy Christmas. In fact, all things considered, this might be the perfect wintry Christmas song.