It’s the middle of December and almost 70 degrees here in Tennessee. Weather.com says it’s cold up North, along the Canadian border, but most of the country is pretty mild. Parts of the country could even be described as balmy.
I can’t remember the last white Christmas, and thanks to climate change, it could be a while before we have another one.
This means a lot of the songs on the Christmas station are meaningless to most Americans. We have no first-hand knowledge of sleigh rides or winter wonderlands. So, as a public service, I’ve compiled a list of some of the Christmas songs we can retire now.
- “Sleigh Ride” and “Winter Wonderland.” Also, “Jingle Bells.” You can’t travel in a one-horse open sleigh without snow, and there’s no snow. If you wanted to, though, you could sing “Jingle Bells” and substitute “a four-door Chevrolet” for “a one-horse open sleigh,” or you could go with the alternative lyrics about Batman:
- “Frosty the Snowman.” It’s probably time to retire “Frosty,” anyway, because sentient snowmen are inherently creepy.
- “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” First, it isn’t cold outside. Second, let’s be honest: There’s a thin line between flirty and icky, and, if you listen to the lyrics, this one’s icky. (“Say, what’s in this drink?” Probably a roofie.)
- “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” Oh, the weather outside is nice, actually.
- “It’s a Marshmallow World.” No, it’s not.
- “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” I know it was written for a good cause (Ethiopian famine relief), but it’s a terrible song. “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime,” but that’s true of most of the planet, because it’s summer in the southern hemisphere, remember. Besides, Bono’s line, “Well, tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you” is just callous and smug. What he’s saying, basically, is that we should go, “Dear God, if you have to starve someone, thanks for starving all those Ethiopian children instead of me.”
Ironically, one song we can keep is “White Christmas,” because it’s about dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, and we can keep “Snow Miser/Heat Miser,” from the 1974 Christmas special, “The Year Without a Santa Claus,” because it’s all about the battle over whether to have a white or a balmy Christmas. In fact, all things considered, this might be the perfect wintry Christmas song.
I am in Seattle where we have not yet seen any benefits of climate change.
The weather outside is frightful, and the fire inside delightful, going to the mall is a pain, let it rain, let it rain, let it rain.
I’m so glad someone finally called out that Ethiopian famine song. You are so right about that line. It never occurred to me before that maybe that’s the reason Bono doesn’t interest me.
I try to like U2 because we’re all supposed to like U2, but Bono seems so full of himself. Maybe I’m wrong. He might be a great guy who comes across poorly in interviews.
I’m so in agreement with the Hippie! Whatever year that song came out, it has bugged me ever since.
No snow in NY yet. It’s been rather mild for this time of year. Very catchy blog post btw, my sentiments exactly.
Well, thanks, backerbabe!
Not a single snowflake in downstate Illinois yet. Looks more like a southern Christmas than a Midwest one. Sigh.
Off topic, but I was in Springfield the other day. I loved the Lincoln museum!
One of my favorite songs!
When I was a kid, we went through several years of rain on Christmas. I lived in New York state, near the PA border. Then for several years, we didn’t have a single Christmas without snow. I’m pretty sure this year is what it is and not necessarily a predictor of years to come. It’s happened this way before.
LOL at the Bono line….I have always felt the same way about it. And Heat Miser/Snow Miser” just doesn’t get the respect it deserves, IMHO.
As a Michigander who just spent her first Christmas abroad in Rwanda, these songs help me to remember that snow still exists somewhere. Cheers to “Heat Miser/Snow Miser” and the rest of that Clay-mation holiday series. And when does anything with Bono’s infatuation with Africa not become patronizingly smug? (Read the preface to Jeffery Sach’s “The End of Poverty” for further evidence)