Christmas playlist (adjusted for climate change)

It’s the middle of December and almost 70 degrees here in Tennessee. Weather.com says it’s cold up North, along the Canadian border, but most of the country is pretty mild. Parts of the country could even be described as balmy.

I can’t remember the last white Christmas, and thanks to climate change, it could be a while before we have another one.

This means a lot of the songs on the Christmas station are meaningless to most Americans. We have no first-hand knowledge of sleigh rides or winter wonderlands. So, as a public service, I’ve compiled a list of some of the Christmas songs we can retire now.

  • “Sleigh Ride” and “Winter Wonderland.” Also, “Jingle Bells.” You can’t travel in a one-horse open sleigh without snow, and there’s no snow. If you wanted to, though, you could sing “Jingle Bells” and substitute “a four-door Chevrolet” for “a one-horse open sleigh,” or you could go with the alternative lyrics about Batman:
  • “Frosty the Snowman.” It’s probably time to retire “Frosty,” anyway, because sentient snowmen are inherently creepy.
  • “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” First, it isn’t cold outside. Second, let’s be honest: There’s a thin line between flirty and icky, and, if you listen to the lyrics, this one’s icky. (“Say, what’s in this drink?” Probably a roofie.)
  • “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” Oh, the weather outside is nice, actually.
  • “It’s a Marshmallow World.” No, it’s not.
  • “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” I know it was written for a good cause (Ethiopian famine relief), but it’s a terrible song. “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime,” but that’s true of most of the planet, because it’s summer in the southern hemisphere, remember. Besides, Bono’s line, “Well, tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you” is just callous and smug. What he’s saying, basically, is that we should go, “Dear God, if you have to starve someone, thanks for starving all those Ethiopian children instead of me.”

Ironically, one song we can keep is “White Christmas,” because it’s about dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, and we can keep “Snow Miser/Heat Miser,” from the 1974 Christmas special, “The Year Without a Santa Claus,” because it’s all about the battle over whether to have a white or a balmy Christmas. In fact, all things considered, this might be the perfect wintry Christmas song.

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‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and ‘Star Wars’ are basically the same movie

English: Screenshot of Jimmy Stewart and Donna...

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I posted something the other day about how much I like “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and over the past 18 months, I’ve posted several things about “Star Wars,” and last night I realized something:

“It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Star Wars” are basically the same movie:

It’s a Wonderful Life: George Bailey is a small-town boy who can’t wait to leave home and travel around the world.
Star Wars: Luke Skywalker is a small-town boy who can’t wait to leave home and travel throughout the galaxy.

It’s a Wonderful Life: George postpones college to help his father with the family’s building and loan.
Star Wars: Luke postpones going to the academy to help his uncle with the family farm.

It’s a Wonderful Life: When it’s time for George to finally leave, George’s father asks him to stay a while longer.
Star Wars: When it’s time for Luke to finally leave, Luke’s uncle asks him to stay a while longer.

It’s a Wonderful Life: Soon after talking with George about leaving home, George’s father dies of a heart attack.
Star Wars: Soon after talking with Luke about leaving home, Luke’s aunt and uncle are killed in a stormtrooper attack.

It’s a Wonderful Life: With his father gone, George has no choice but to run a building and loan, like his father.
Star Wars: With his aunt and uncle gone, Luke has no choice but to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi Knight, like his father.

The three lead protagonists of Star Wars, from...

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It’s a Wonderful Life: George’s family business is threatened Potter, whose haranguing helped drive George’s father to the grave.
Star Wars: Luke’s friends in the rebellion are threatened by Vader, who betrayed and murdered Luke’s father (kind of).

It’s a Wonderful Life: George is jealous of his friend, Sam Wainwright, who used to date George’s wife, Mary.
Star Wars: Luke his jealous of his friend, Han Solo, who’d like to, um, “date” Princess Leia.

It’s a Wonderful Life: Potter tries to destroy the Bailey Building and Loan Association by hiring George away.
Star Wars: Vader tries to destroy the Jedi Knights by turning Luke to the Dark Side of the Force.

It’s a Wonderful Life: Uncle Bill accidentally gives Potter $8,000 in cash. Potter hopes the mistake will finally crush the building and loan.
Star Wars: Vader tracks the Millennium Falcon to the Rebels’ secret base, where he hopes to finally crush the rebellion.

It’s a Wonderful Life: As the bank examiner and sheriff prepare to arrest George, George receives a telegram: “Mr. Gower cables you need cash. Stop. My office instructed to advance you up to $25,000. Stop. Hee-haw and merry Christmas, Sam Wainwright.”
Star Wars: “Yee-haw, now let’s blow this thing so we can go home!”

In the earlier post about “It’s a Wonderful Life,” I mentioned Roger Ebert’s review where he calls the movie “ageless,” and I think what makes it work as well now as it did when it was release 65 years ago is that George Bailey’s story is the essentially same as every hero’s story:

George Bailey might not save the galaxy, but he gives up a life of travel and adventure to raise a family and make his hometown a better place to live, and if that’s not heroic, I don’t know what is.

Occupy Bedford Falls

“What is remarkable about ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is how well it holds up over the years; it’s one of those ageless movies, like ‘Casablanca’ or ‘The Third Man,’ that improves with age. Some movies, even good ones, should only be seen once. When we know how they turn out, they’ve surrendered their mystery and appeal. Other movies can be viewed an indefinite number of times. Like great music, they improve with familiarity. ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ falls in the second category.”

“It’s a Wonderful Life” turns 65 this month, but it really is timeless. If you haven’t seen it, you should watch it. If you’ve seen it and didn’t like, I don’t think we’d have a lot to talk about.

I love the little things in this movie – the off-screen crash as Uncle Billy staggers home and runs into a trash cans, the finial on the stairs that never gets repaired. I love the big things, too, the big ideas about wanting something your whole life and never getting it and looking toward the horizon for so long that you can’t see what’s smack in front of you.

Watching the movie again the other day, in this, the year of the Wall Street protester, this scene in particular stood out and made me realize just how timeless the movie really is.

It comes about a third of the way into the movie. George Bailey’s father has died, and George (James Stewart) has been forced to cancel his long-dreamed-of trip to Europe to help straighten out the building and loan his father ran with Georgie’s Uncle Billy. George is about 22 and about to finally leave for college, but Potter (Lionel Barrymore [Drew Barrymore's great-uncle]) has just proposed dissolving the Bailey Building and Loan and turning over the assets to himself.

It’s a few years before the start of the Great Depression, and Potter, the town Scrooge, accuses the Baileys of making a string of bad home loans to friends who can’t afford to pay.

“You see?” Potter tells the board, sarcastically. “If you shoot pool with some employee here, you can come and borrow money. What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class, and all because a few starry-eyed dreamers like Peter Bailey stir ‘em up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible ideas.”

George has been biting his tongue but finally snaps when Potter criticizes his father:

“Now, hold on, Mr. Potter. Just a minute. Now, you’re right when you say my father was no businessman. I know that. Why he ever started this cheap, penny-ante building and loan, I’ll never know, but neither you nor anybody else can say anything against his character, because his whole life was … why, in the 25 years since he and his brother, Uncle Billy, started this thing, he never once thought of himself. Isn’t that right, Uncle Billy? He didn’t save enough money to send Harry to school, let alone me, but he did help a few people get out of your slums, Mr. Potter, and what’s wrong with that? Why … here, you’re all businessmen here. Doesn’t it make them better citizens? Doesn’t it make them better customers?

“You … you said … what’d you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even though of a decent home. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they’re so old and broken down that they … Do you know how long it takes a working man to save $5,000? Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you’re talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn’t think so. People were human beings to him, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they’re cattle. Well in my book, he died a much richer man than you’ll ever be!”

Like I said, timeless.