Staying apart, to prevent the snowman apocalypse

Starbucks says, “When we’re together snowmen come to life.”

Because of this, we can never be together.

Because if we’re together, even for a moment, snowmen would come to life.

Snowmen coming to life would not be wondrous. It would be terrifying. It would be like the zombie apocalypse, only colder and worse, because if snowmen can come to life, there’s no reason they couldn’t use their mittened stick arms to create more snowmen — a magical army of icy golems that would lumber down the streets of town. Thumpety-thump-thump. Thumpety-thump-thump.

We can write. We can call. We can Skype. But we can never be together.

It’s better this way.

32 thoughts on “Staying apart, to prevent the snowman apocalypse

    1. No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t evil, but, being made of snow, he didn’t have a strong sense of right and wrong. Remember how he dragged Karen with him when he went to the North Pole to save himself? He didn’t care that she wasn’t warmly. That’s the real danger, that these snowmen will accidentally destroy the human race.

    1. Thank you. We must be brave. (I wanted to embed “My Heart Will Go On,” but I couldn’t figure out how, and I didn’t want to get sued, but that’s my imaginary blog soundtrack for this post.)

    1. You remember the creepy Michael Keaton family film “Jack Frost,” where he dies and comes back as a snowman? There’s a reason the sequel used the same animatronic snowman but was a straight horror film.

  1. I always knew there was something wrong with those creepy little bast…um…you know. It’s all in their dead black eyes. Watching you…always watching. Just waiting for us to get together.

    That’s why I refuse to go caroling. Standing there with our backs to the lawn? *shudder* No thanks.

  2. You’ve completely changed my view of snowmen.

    Maybe of Starbucks, too. What if I get a snack there instead of a drink? If the very berry coffee cake comes in a plain bag instead of one with that written on it, is it safe?

  3. Thank you for pointing this out. Deconstructing corporate tag lines can be so enlightening.

    What is almost as scary as a snowman apocalypse, however, is the thought of a bunch of suits sitting around in some conference room at Starbucks signing off on this marketing concept. What ideas were rejected I wonder.

    1. I have the list right here. Top 3 rejected Starbucks taglines: “When we’re together, the plants die.” “When we’re together, I want to start drinking again.” “When we’re together, that means I’m violating the restraining order.”

  4. Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) was certainly terrified by the Snow Goon he created. Starbucks was apparently unaware of this dangerous activity…

  5. If you get together, I think the sale of blow torches will skyrocket. That is probably the only way to take out zombie snowmen.

    Either that, or we will all have to move to Maui.

    I like option 2, personally.

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